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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Time for evil