I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
i will not be silenced
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..