I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed