Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything