Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Simple
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry