The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.