That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Care for your back
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew