Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.