My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
that wasn’t the question
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.