Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD