Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I have a type: disappointing
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan