Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I wish I could veto my bills.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.