Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.