By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.