5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning