*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.