When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns