I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.