Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…