What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?