Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
my mind
You just read my mind
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*limbos under the caution tape
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye