My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
wait.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.