Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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58.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait