Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it