You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Any refunds available?…
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!