“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that