You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.