This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT