Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work