I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
You Might Also Like
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids