If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?