*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
It’s an epidemic…
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Sorry not sorry.