If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?