mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
cause of death:
autopsy.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped