facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You Might Also Like
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.