Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
when you don’t want to be too vague
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Wait a second…
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.