ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
as is their right
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk