what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
You Might Also Like
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.