My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”