Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.