During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.