They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
checking out some reviews of my local library