The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
No, YOUR illiterate.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.