Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
You Might Also Like
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
For the ones in the back.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.