If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.