Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
You Might Also Like
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Friends that check up on you >
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Every work meeting this week
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”