Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for