When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Canada has crack?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.