Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.