Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
U talkin 2 me?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.